Self destruction
by Torie Rilistkrytcat
Summary: All Heather wanted to do was be beautiful. But at some point, it stopped being healthy, and a little weight loss turned into a dangerous obsession. Oneshot. Warning: Contains themes of eating disorders and mental illness.


**I don't own total drama.**

**This fic deals with serious issues. You have been warned.**

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All Heather wanted to do was be beautiful. Her physical appearance significantly impacted her life; it moulded her, shaped her as a person. She lived in a world where a girl was judged not by intelligence or personality, but by their social status- how they looked, where they shopped, who they were dating. And to be popular in that world, it was crucial to be one of the beautiful people.

Heather had not always been beautiful. As a child, she had been an awkward misfit- stubby legged, pudgy cheeked, scraggy haired... Not ugly, exactly, and not quite fat, but homely nonetheless. She was never the kind of girl whose family gushed over her beauty or talent- that praise went to her "perfect" siblings, Anna and Damien. Their trophies always took first place on the mantelpiece, while her parents barely noticed anything she did to make them proud. They were rich, so gifts she received from them on birthdays or at Christmas were of large value, but there was never any love or even emotion in anything she received from them. The example they set for their children was a shallow one- Heather and her siblings were brought up in a home where it was what was on the outside that mattered; the cost of things, their outward appearance, what designer label they were. This impacted Heather's whole world growing up, and as she reached her teenage years she grew a burning desire to achieve outward perfection.

At first, it was positive, healthy. She exercised and grew physically fitter, losing the slight amount of extra weight she'd sported as a child. Her typical diet, which was never terrible but never perfect either, altered, cutting back on any unhealthy foods and instead incorporating vegetables and lean meats; things full of vitamins and nutrients. People marveled at the amazing new sense of self control she had developed around food, and began to complement her. Every comment from a fellow student or family member about how good she was looking filled her with a new sense of achievement and satisfaction. Now, looking in the mirror, she had actually began to feel beautiful, begun to feel confident in herself. Her shallow peers had accepted her now she was one of the prettier people, and she had become popular, the way her parents had always wanted her to be.

But at some point, it stopped being healthy. It was impossible to pinpoint the moment that a little weight loss turned into a dangerous obsession; it crept up on Heather, seeped into her mind like a vicious poison. While she was not consciously aware of them, the insecurities that came from her lonely, depressing childhood ran deep inside her, and these burning insecurities and fears caused the positive desire to become fit began to mutate in her brain. It turned into a dark, venomous obsession, and began to take over the queen bee's life.

Mirrors turned into a never-ending source of torment for Heather. She did not understand it; she was still eating healthily and exercising, but why had she begun to look so _fat_? People were still telling her how slim she looked, but while she'd believed them before, a sinister part of her mind had begun to contradict what they told her.

_They're lying. You're still fat, and you're still ugly. You need to lose more weight._

Heather believed it. After all, her parents had always been the kind to deal false or backhanded complements; she could recall numerous times when they'd lied to her in a condescending tone- told her in a sickly- sweet voice how much they loved her, only to complain lowly when they thought she couldn't hear about what a disappointment she was. Now, the snide part of her mind reminded her of this; they'd lied to her about things before, so what was stopping them from lying again? When they told her she was thin, the voice in her head reasoned, was she really stupid enough to believe them?

So, Heather continued to go along with what the voice in her head told her. Clearly, she had not lost enough weight- she could see that in her reflection; the hideous pudgy cheeks, bulging stomach and thunder thighs that afflicted her body- therefore she needed to alter her diet further. Heather took steps to increased the amount of exercise she was doing, and decrease her daily energy intake. Junk food now went from an occassional indulgence to flat-out forbidden, and rest days were crossed out of her work out schedule. And yet, it still seemed to be having little effect. People were still remarking on her weight loss, but Heather could not believe them; her body was still so unattractive, covered in a suit of unsightly fat that she felt was visually repulsive.

Gradually, the complements stopped from onlookers. Heather's weight loss had gone from something that they thought was positive to concerning; her body continued to dwindle away. Now, the lean and muscular frame she had once bore had turned too lean; instead of the soft, attractive shapes of muscles, her bones began to protrude from under her skin. As she lost more weight, other parts of her appearance were affected- her skin, though always pale, began to take on an ashen, gaunt appearance. She was losing sleep, and her eyes began to develop permanent black circles around them, which she desperately tried to cover with makeup. Now, instead of accepting healthy portions, Heather was highly critical of food- if what was on her plate seemed like too much, then Heather would refuse to eat any more, coming up with feeble excuses; she disliked the food, her stomach was feeling off, she was too tired, she was full...

When people started warning her not to get too thin, Heather found herself descending into an emotional wreck. She was both infuriated and hurt by what they said to her; why did they keep LYING to her? Telling her she was thin when she clearly wasn't? She could see herself every day in the mirror that lay across from her bed; see the fat hanging off her body, wobbling with every step she took. She was hideous, and though publicly she would often act vain and stuck up about her own beauty, internally she hated the sight of herself. The twisted logic once again whiled through her brain.

_You're too fat. You're hideous. You need to lose weight, which means you need to eat less and work out more. Otherwise, you'll stay this disgusting pig forever._

Sometimes, she questioned this logic. After all, it didn't add up; why was it that she had lost more weight, and yet still looked fatter than ever? There were brief moments when Heather suspected what was really happening in her head, though the name of the disease terrified her. However, these moments of truth would pass when she glanced in the mirror, and once again the warped sense of repulsion rattled through her.

_Fat, fat, fat._

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There were numerous reasons why Heather found herself signing up for total Drama. She was highly conflicted about the idea of revealing her body on television- all those people, watching, seeing how disgusting and fat she was- however something about the freedom appealed to her. It was going to be an outdoors camp; full of strenuous activities that were sure to burn off more calories and tone down her muscles further. Camp food was infamously disgusting; it would be the ultimate excuse not to eat without arousing too much suspicion from others. She could merely express her disgust for the food and refuse to eat it, and other people would not judge her for it. It also gave her a cruel form of incentive; though recently she had taken to more figure-hiding attire, she made sure that she dressed in clothes that were revealing. It was a sick way of pushing herself further- she reasoned that if she knew her disgusting body was revealed to the world constantly, then she would have to try harder, strengthen her resolve to lose weight.

Though Heather was always cocky and aloof towards other people, developing a hard outer skin due to the torments she'd previously endured from her siblings, she found herself absolutely loathing the other girls on the island out of pure jealously. She lashed out at them frequently, calling them ugly and stupid, though deep down she was just describing the way she viewed herself. It seemed completely unfair that she, striving every moment of every day to lose weight, should still remain fat while other girls like Bridgette and Lindsay ate far more than she did and still sported beautiful, slender figures. Every time she saw one of the other girls eating, Heather felt as though she'd been slapped in the face. Jealousy ran through her, tearing into every crevasse of her soul as she watched Lindsay practically inhale a candy bar. It would have been 250 calories, her mind noted; she had the nutritional info of almost every product on the market almost instilled in her brain. 250 calories of pure sugar and fat- how on earth was Lindsay still so thin?

The day she saw Lindsay eating a candy bar, Heather only ate a single apple for dinner, and found herself going for a run to burn off the calories from that. As she did, her mind mocked her, taunted her. She would never be thin enough; no matter what she did, she always seemed to remain pudgy and unattractive, bulging out in all the wrong places. And yet, while she was eating significantly less than she was supposed to, her stomach ridden with hunger pains for a better part of the day, people like Lindsay, Bridgette and Courtney could eat desserts and treats without gaining a pound?

Clearly, it was something wrong with her, then. Clearly, she was just destined to be a fat, hideous freak for the rest of her life.

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The unexpected addition a boyfriend in Heather's life after Total Drama World Tour _should_ have positively impacted Heather. Alejandro loved her deeply, treated her respectfully and frequently told her how beautiful she was. His complements and praises should have been something to boost Heather's self esteem which (although she appeared to be egotistical on the outside) was internally a ragged mess. However, instead they ripped deeper worries and anxieties into her. Every time he kissed her, the brief sense of euphoria would be annihilated by the snarky, vicious thoughts that would follow.

_He's lying to you. He's only saying it to be nice. You're a fat pig, and if you don't shape up soon then he'll leave you._

The fear of rejection was paralysing. Every moment spent in public, Heather found herself staring at other girls, unfavorably comparing her body to theirs. She felt stings of jealousy; they were all so thin, and she felt as though her thighs were expanding every second. Alejandro claimed to love her, but how long would someone as incredibly toned and attractive as him really want to stay with someone so fat? So many pretty girls threw themselves at him and one day, Heather feared, he would realise just how foul she was and leave her for someone who was thinner. So she resolved to work harder, work harder to keep her boyfriend, to become worthy of him. Alejandro had noticed and been concerned about just how thin Heather was, and just how obsessed she was with her weight, and yet any concerns he voiced were dismissed casually by Heather.

"Don't be so stupid," she'd laugh off, though inside her heart would be racing. "You're way too overprotective..."

The problem was that these comments hit too close to home. It was terrifying when people noticed Heather's weight loss, because it made her feel extremely uncomfortable and vulnerable. Alejandro was too perceptive of her obsession with being thin, and this send whorls of anxiety into her mind; what if he intervened, trying to "help" her? What if he forced her to eat more, fattening her up like an animal for slaughter? These fears made Heather act more careful around her boyfriend; if they ate together, she would force herself to hide her pain and disgust at eating large portions, instead feigning enjoyment of the meal. This seemed to slightly ease Alejandro's concerns; he didn't know that in preparation for eating with him, Heather would have eaten significantly less than usual for her other meals, and would then proceed to exercise for over an hour, forcing her system to work off the calories.

Currently, however, Heather found herself close to hyperventilation. Alejandro had phoned and spontaneously asked her out to dinner, without any pre-meditation or notice in advance. This meant that Heather hadn't had time to adjust her calorie intake for the other two meals, and she had been frantically searching for the restaurant he planned to take her to on the Internet, scouring the menu for the items which would have the least amount of calories. The taste of food was no longer of any importance to her; all she cared about now was how low in calories it was, and how it would affect her diet. Her planned clothes were laid out for the evening; an outfit that hung off her skinny frame, designed to hide any potential rolls of fat. As she changed, the mirror on her wall once again leered out at her, making her crumple slightly at the image. In the glass, she could see an unattractive, worthless figure; ripples of fat covered every inch of her form. Heather did not see the truth; how her collarbone jutted out like handlebars, how her entire ribcage was visible from both the front and now the back, how her shoulderblades were so prominent that they were reminiscent of wings. Instead, her distorted mind subverted what she saw, transforming it into someone in desperate need of losing weight...

Tears stung her eyes at the sight of her reflection, and Heather found herself stumbling back onto her bed. There was no way that she would be able to have dinner with Alejandro tonight; she would have to cancel, and save him the humiliation of being seen in public with someone of her hideous carriage. Instead, she would have to spend the evening exercising, a task that was growing increasingly harder for her; every ounce of her strength was being eaten away- her muscles were long gone, worn away by too many work outs and not enough nutrition. Heather blamed her dwindling energy on lack of fitness, believing that she was getting lazy and slack, and therefore needed to do even more exercise. As she continually stared at her reflection, feeling unable to look away, her emotions overwhelmed her, and a strangled scream of frustration left her throat. Deep down, she knew that something was messed up- there were times when she would even realize just how bony parts of her body were. But somehow, she could not admit it. The negative thoughts were lodged too deep in her brain to remove, and so she continued to listen to the, continued to take action. Her brain, the most crucial part of her, had developed a problem, and as long as her view of herself was distorted, then Heather would stay locked in this inescapable cycle of self-destruction, slowly being consumed her her own inaccurate perception until she was nothing at all.

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**Um, I don't really know what to say...**

** I hope that this fic turned out OK. Yes, it is very different to other stuff I've published. No, it did not have a sweet and happy Heather-got-over-her-illness ending, or even that much of a defined plot. Sorry...**


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